Some days I just decide with all of my being that it. is. ON! Like my head and my heart and my legs and my smile and even my eyebrows somehow cooperate because they know I mean business!
I can’t say I know what motivates these moments. I can’t say that what I do with these moments is always the best choice. I just know that the feeling comes and BAM! That’s it! I know that nothing can stop me or get in my way. We’re doing it! Whatever it is…
Some days this works well. In spring, for example when I get the feeling that I’m just going to clean ALL THE THINGS and I frolick through the house like a crazy woman vaccuuming out drawers and piling too small jackets in the giveaway pile and straightening every book on every shelf. I move furniture and get that dust from that place that you can’t reach without a chopstick and some tape (don’t ask) and I empty a few shelves in a few closets. This last one is a big deal. All the shelves cannot be full. It means we have too much. But an empty shelf? Means we’re good. It’s a thing. I don’t know.
Other days it’s less awesome because I decide that it’s beach day and I pack the cooler and blankets and skim boards and towels and we’re ready and we’re doing this and then we wake up and it’s snowing and noone really feels much like putting on their board shorts but I’ve decided that it’s ON and so they look at me in complete bewilderment but don’t dare argue. I love them for the not arguing. They get that all kinds of crazy lives inside of me and this is just one of those moments so, though I catch their glances to each other, noone says a word and we pile in the truck in the freezing and we drive until I realize that this is the dumbest day in all the world to go to the beach.
Todays gung-ho feeling was inspired by a scene from last night. It went something like this. It wasn’t even an hour past dinner. The boys had all taken off to do whatever it is they do when I’m not looking and I was finishing the kitchen clean up. Someone yelled, asking if I wanted to play a game and I yelled back about not being done yet. I gave the last counter a wipe and froze. I was done. But I didn’t want to leave the kitchen because it meant game playing. Tonight I was just not feeling the game playing. (Can I get an Amen?)
So I did what every sane mother would do. I reached for the chocolate chips and I climbed up onto the counter in that tucked away corner where nobody can see me if they look in from the other room. I leaned back against the cupboards, Costco size (ethically sourced, of course) chocolate chip bag snuggled in close and I flipped through my phone. Twitter. Facebook. Instagram. I even deleted the 247 emails I hadn’t gotten to yet. I tired of the chocolate chips after
seventeen a few handfuls but lo and behold there was a cupcake within reach! I downed that sucker so fast it didn’t even see it coming. Then there was a ziplock baggie with a few cookie pieces brought back home from someones lunch. Why not? I’m here and they were there. It seemed only polite.
Within an hour I wanted to puke.
I scolded myself for being so dumb. I KNOW what all of that sugar does to me. It tastes so good going in, it tempts me with its sultry ways, and then kablamo! I want to die.
I woke up this morning with a sugar hangover and that was it. It was ON!
By 6:30 I had juiced 6 carrots, 2 apples and fists full of spinach.
By 7:00 I had downed 2 litres of water.
By 8:00 I realized I had forgotten my steaming mug of coffee on the desk by the front door and I now had to survive 6 hours of work on said juice and water.
By 8:15 I had peed 7 times.
Because it was Let’s-Do-This Day, I decided early on that I would run after work. The day was gray but nice enough and I was going to do this. Go hard. Go fast. Go until I came home feeling like I could conquer the world, all fist pumps and high fives.
By the time my shoes were laced it was sprinkling but that only fueled my fire. Rain? Come at me, bro! Oh yeah! I’m running in the rain. I’m so hardcore. I’m fast. I’m fierce. I’ll show those chocolate chips who’s boss!
It felt amazing. Glorious, even. I marvelled at the levels of my own awesomeness. I dreamed about that runner’s high they talk about. I dreamed about changing the world. I wrote lame blog posts in my head as I dreamed. I listened to my feet hit the pavement and life felt grand.
For like, 8 minutes.
Then I got a cramp. Cause, y’know, I haven’t really run in awhile and I usually sort of pace myself and that whole speed thing that felt so great really was not feeling so great anymore.
Then it started to pour. Not, oh-thats-refreshing sort of rain while you run but down. pour. I was soaked. Like, gross wet hair sticking to your face sort of soaked.
I slowed my pace cause of the cramp but also cause I was for sure 5 pounds heavier now with all the wet.
So this wasn’t exactly going as planned but I justified it all in my mind. It’s okay. At least I’m out running. er, jogging. um, high paced stepping? I was still out in the nature and doing the exercise and feeling the feels. This was alright. I’m still sort of hardcore-ish-like.
Until it happened. And then it was all just too much. I was just one foot in front of the othering it and then. Well, then I heard a crunch.
A distinct shell crushing crunch.
An I-just-squashed-that-sucker sort of crunch.
You guys! I was drenched to the core, my sides ached and I could now be charged with murder. Of a snail.
I stopped right there. Well, not right there, I lifted my foot off the…..you know what I mean. I stopped and I turned around and I walked home. Because sometimes even though we might feel like it’s ON, it’s not and there are other plans for us and it’s kind of better if we actually open our eyes and assess the situation and operate with wisdom instead of just on feeling.
Because wisdom says it’s pouring, maybe you should stay in.
Wisdom says, you haven’t run in over a month maybe you should slow down.
Wisdom says, you cannot make up for all the chocolate chips in just one day.
Wisdom says, go home. Eat an apple. Dry off and try again.
Wisdom says, following your feelings isn’t always the best way. Try including your head and your heart and it gets monumentally better.