I’m just going to lay it out here.
I know, I know. You’re all shocked.
I’m pretty sure most of you are thinking something along the lines of, isn’t that what she does everyday?
And you’re right. I do. But some times it’s harder than others. This is one of those.
As you know I’ve always written in one capacity or another. Wether it was my first diary with a little lock and key or english essays (oh how I miss english essays!) or life journals or blogging it’s always been how I work life out. But something different happens when the world (or at least a few of you in it) see the writing.
Wait for it….
You get feedback!
The problem with feedback? Well – people tell you what they think! I am so SO happy to report that I have not had to contend with any harsh or negative critiques. I haven’t ever been hurt by a comment someone has made about my writing and I haven’t ever felt attacked for what I write about. Clearly this just shows how few people are reading, but I digress.
My worry, first and foremost, with having a space in which I write and people read is that I may start to feel more important than I really am. I can honestly say I don’t think this has happened but it is a genuine fear.
I mean, really? C’mon. People telling me they like what I do? That’s nice to hear. People saying that they enjoy reading the words I’ve written? Kinda lovely, right? Are you picking up what I’m throwing down?
These sorts of things may have a tendency to stroke ones ego. Build into ones already existing pride.
But it gets worse. What about when people write things about you that almost seem laughable they’re so great. And maybe sort of like that person must not know who you really are because the words they’re using don’t seem to describe this oft at-her-wits-end mama who sneaks candy when her kids aren’t looking! Surely she could not be talking about me?!
What about when someone calls you a mentor. Or wise. Or they pin your idea. Do they know it wasn’t mine in the first place? I’m really more of a conduit than an inventor.
In the past 2 weeks I’ve received a ridiculous amount of words written about me that I just don’t know what to do with and it sent me for a bit of a loop. Like, the kind of loop that has one doing word studies on the difference between flattery and encouragement. Arrogance and humility. Actions and demeanours that God smiles upon and those, so the scripture says, he hates.
I fear this, you guys! I do! I fear that you saying nice things to me will make me arrogant. I fear that maybe I already am and am just blind to it. Would you tell me that though? Would you? Because the bible also has some remarks about flatterers. ahem. (Psalm 12: 2-3)
I will admit I definitely thrive off of the interaction of the blog format but I guarantee that if these same words were not online they would be in one of the 17 moleskins piled on my bedside table.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m aware. I’m aware of the fight that bloggers, artists, anyone in the public eye has to come up against within themselves. The giant question of am I doing this for me or am I doing this for them? Am I selling out because my stats are higher when I talk of certain things? Am I losing soul because more people buy my paintings that appear light rather than dark? Do I write the words I know they’ll want to read or the ones that they should read?
My answer before you today is this: God has given me a passion for the written word. Both to read it and to write it. He has laid on my heart a concern for families; mamas, marriages, children caught up in it all. He’s also showed me how many of us lack any sort of mentor in our lives. Someone who’s travelled this road but are miles ahead. Someone who has made mistakes and learned from them. Someone who is willing to share. For me, blogging combines these three. It allows me to use the creativity God has laid in my soul, to write about the things I care so much about and to share both the things I sucked at and the things that may have just worked in order that others could see and not repeat or be encouraged or feel a little less alone.
So, thank you. Thank-you to those of you who have taken the time to write to me. To encourage me. To share with me where you’re at and what you’re learning. Thank-you to those of you who have shared this blog with others, linked to me on your own blog or tweeted some of my sentences. Thank-you!
I assure you I am humbled each time.
I’m just a woman. A wife. A mama. A daughter. An employee. That person who hums while she’s picking up apples in the grocery store. I’m just one more person on this planet trying to muddle their way through. I’m just another Jesus follower who fails and sins and has to ask forgiveness every. single. day. I’m so ordinary it isn’t even funny.
Yet you guys! You guys!! You’re hearts have sought to encourage me in so many ways that it worries me that it might just go to my head! So stop it! I don’t like it when you scare me like this, okay?!
We now return to our regularly scheduled broadcast….