I’m just going to give it to you straight today. I am wishy washy.
This is where my nine year old would look at me and say, “gasp, sputter!” and I would shoot him a look that says be warned, my tickling fingers are getting warmed up and are about to go into full-on attack mode on your scrawny little body.
So while you may not be in utter shock at this declaration, in fact, you may have seen it in me long before I knew it in myself, alas it’s the truth.
There are days when I am fun mom. Free-spirited, put down the windows to feel the breeze in your hair, crank the music and let’s just drive, mom. And others when I’m not. When this feels like nonsense and there is important work to be done and who has time for such tomfoolery.
I feel it in my soul. This battle of which part of me wins day to day. Will I stand firmly behind my eat your veggies logic or proclaim, “backwards day!” and have dessert before dinner.
In truth, none of these examples are staggeringly life changing and we would all agree that moods vary from day to day but what I’ve started to notice in myself is that long term isn’t my forte.
I don’t have any friends left from elementary school (save one that facebook reconnected me to after eons), I don’t even see anyone that I went to high school with anymore. Or college. Or from our living in Vancouver days.
So I’ve realized I’m a live it in the moment person with all the goods and bads that comes along with it. It means I admire you if your still besties with someone you met when you were 5 but I meet so many amazing people each day that I feel like their isn’t time for all of them and the ones right here in front of me are the ones I spend time with.
This doesn’t mean that I value you less because I never see you. It just means I’m not good at staying connected if your not right here. In my present. In my today.
It also means that while I swear by not wearing coloured jeans at this stage of my life, I know that likely by next year I’ll have a pair. Because I am so easily swayed. Adamant one moment, humbled by trend following the next.
My being here on facebook is a prime example. I swore I wouldn’t. Until I did. *shrug*
I see the downfalls of this type of life, believe me I do. It means that I don’t really know how Anita Kurki, my best friend from elementary school is doing these days and it means I often wished I’d shut my mouth about how much I hate Uggs because pride-swallowing, well, it happens alot.
But I also feel some pluses. It means that I know a bazillion people. I didn’t just stay besties with Kelly Wiens and never experience Sarah or Lara or Jen (all 23 of you that I know!) It means that I didn’t just decide to be a runner and run forever and have running as my thing. It means I sometimes run and sometimes do yoga and sometimes snowboard and sometimes play tennis. I’m not great at any of them, but I enjoy all of them. And while I may miss out on being hardcore and losing my toenails or getting a concussion or being able to twist my body aptly into a pretzel I don’t feel like I’m missing out.
I have been challenged lately though, to persue. To stick with. To not move on or give up. To practice faithful devotion in some areas that I think are most important. To not just give to the needy as things arise or as I feel like it but to commit to monthly support. This takes faithfulness. Dedication. Commitment. Non-wishy-washiness.
To willingly lead a bible study. Not just attend. Not just show up if nothing else is going on. But to be the one that is looked to when there’s a lull in conversation, like I need to have a plan and something to say or question to ask or challenge to relay in these moments. This takes faithfulness. Dedication. Commitment. Non-flakiness.
These are hard for me. But I’m learning, slowly, that things that are hard sometimes have the best reward. I know it because Jesus says that the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life (Matthew 7:14)
What this keeps me from, this humbling process of changing my mind, is forming idols of my own opinions, for I’ve learned that I can’t. What seems the best and should be shouted from a street corner one day is forgotten the next. So things like immunizing children and eating organic and homeschooling and mid-century modern and shabby chic and norwex and vitamins and never wearing gray with brown are all just my opinions and I’d better not hail them as high and mighty or I will really just look the fool. I know it.
So if you see me in crocs you can call me on it. Declare that I said that they’re ugly and fashion should always come before function if the function looks like that. But I’ll probably just shrug and say something wisely profound like, “I know. I’m flakey.” And I’ll have nothing more to add.